Yeah, I'm pretty over hearing about this pandemic. I'm glad that thus far I am healthy, all my immediate family and friends are safe; thus not having it that we KNOW of... right? Which is the real scary part, who knows who we are passing this along to if we are asymptomatic?
Why? Because no one wants to know what I think about this entire situation. Also, I'm not qualified to speak on it, and on top of all my inexperience and non-qualifiers... it's just really depressing. People are losing their jobs, livelihoods, and loved ones over this.
I want all of this to be over so we can start rebuilding our lives and the economy. Then, let's start putting into place steps that will hopefully, if not, stop this from happening in the future, at least lessen the overall drastic domino effect it has had on the entire world.
Until the fog clears, there are a few things that have been on my mind: firstly, I need to find something to make life worth living. Is that a bummer? A bit.
I'm aware that this is an all-new problem: that of needing something to live for. But frankly, life is short. And with whatever stability we had with this pandemic now gone, I"ve come to realize that perhaps none of this is worth it. I mean, what am I doing?
I work. Come home. Sometimes have to work while I'm at home (getting a call and going immediately back out). And what else?
What else do I have? Most of my friends have moved away. I don't have any hobbies beyond building models, some woodworking, and writing these comics. Models are fun but costly. Woodworking is great, but again expensive. Something I can't keep from thinking about with limited income. If it were easier to do, I would keep up with the cost. Driving is the main issue here. A good friend of mine lets me use his garage, but it keeps me from stocking up with proper tools, and I feel really out of place doing messy work in someone else's space. Overall, it's great for the occasional day out, but not ideal.
And these comics are my dream, but they are way more costly than the other two hobbies I have, and let's be honest. I'm doing something wrong.
The site has never had fewer visitors, and the shop did have some sales, but that's been a considerable drop off not to come back so far.
I've been in a pretty lousy way mentally over all this. Not just the comics! No, more my existential crisis. I've always been a bit of a nihilist, but this has pushed me over the tipping point. I keep trying to create and pushing one idea after another (with not much getting to the point of being able to post it here) with little to nothing happening.
My stories I have been writing, well, I haven't posted them here. I feel stuck. Like nothing much is coming out worth my time, therefore no one else's time. That's the wrong attitude to have, I know, but then I pretty much do this because I enjoy writing.
Which is incredible: do what you love. But, I guess I don't love myself that much and have been not seeing the point in even creating for just me. The act of doing it is the only thing keeping this site up, and new projects in the chamber. It's hard to justify the time spent doing something, even if you love it, for lackluster results (and that's overhyping it) from others, and even less enthusiasm for myself.
I think I've known this all along, but the covid-19 situation has brought it to the forefront. "Hey, the thing you like doing, but aren't very good at could go away at a moment's notice. And not because of death (mine), but because the entire economy could fall apart any second for some illness that started to spread across the globe because of some odd ideological and cultural habits that a foreign government doesn't want to take responsibility. Oh, and while that is all happening, people within your country are going to fight about whether or not any of the protections put in place are having any effect, or too much of an effect, or--" and my brain doesn't stop.
I know, I know. Another crazy rant just filled with pessimism and wavering the likes no one has ever seen.
I wish we could all get on board. Please, get on the same page America. Can't we leave the dissecting and arguing for after this? Can't we all realize that perhaps while this catastrophe might sink us all, that we will be able to rebuild afterward? Let's not LET it ruin lives economically, but agree to help out and TRY when the smoke clears to reconstruct our own and other's lives.
Anyway. I thought I'd pop on here and rant, since I got off work early (yes, I'm still working. It is essential to go into people's homes [scary] during all of this. And I'm fortunate I still have a paycheck, though it is risky to keep going out, and to be honest my hours keep dropping and I'd be making more on unemployment, etc, etc).
I hope all of you keep safe, and I hope we can get through this. Anyone having similar thoughts of just being unproductive, lost and feeling like everything you have is either just a fraud, not good enough or meaningless... let's try to push those thoughts out. Maybe it's just me, and in the end, I guess it is only me since I have to deal with it alone. Either way, fingers crossed. Stay productive; stay safe!